Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I wanted to be a good blogger. I wanted to have something to say and say it well. I now know I don't take the time to do this. Yesterday was particularly hard on me. I don't know why but I could not stop crying and bring my self out of a grand funk. I was missing my Deddy so bad and felt like it would be better to just join him so I could be held like he held me as a little girl. I finished a cute knitted set for my great nephew Jericho yesterday (mittens, hat & scarf) but even that didn't make me happy. My kitties gathered about me and loved on me and that didn't help. I am not sure but I think it is the drugs I am on for pain. I had hip replacement surgery in Dec and even though the pain is gone from the bone issues, living with the recovery is driving me insane. I am not good at being dependent. I want to walk through my little house and do what I want not what I am limited to doing. I have never suffered depression until I lost my Deddy last year. I could not understand it or empathize with those suffering from it. He was my best friend, my confidant, my everything and now that is gone. I have my bf Ed, my daughters Brandy & Melissa, but it just isn't the same. I knew I could call him and he he could cheer me up. I could sit in the room with him while he slept and I just felt better. I wear some of his ashes around my neck and that comforts me but some days just not enough. Being Christians, I know I will join him someday but it feels like that will be forever. I talk to him, I listen for his voice and sometimes I think I hear him. Lately, he has been telling me he has ham in heaven waiting on Lexy. She is my 15 yr old dog whose health is not good. He use to sneak her ham from the table and I think he is telling me to send her home but that is just killing my heart, and not what I want to hear. I want him to tell me one more time that he loves me all there is. Even though I know he still does. Maybe when I can get around again without a walker, I will feel better, but right now it is just too much for me to process. I am blessed & I know it. Today I think I will focus on that and not sad things. Good news is my hip doesn't hurt. They found a lot of broken bone in there and spurs that had to be the root of my evil pain. The left hip is worse but I cannot feel it so I may wait a while to get it fixed. Cross that bridge when I get there kinda thing. The pictures are not as good as the real thing but they are really more red than they show up to be. I hope he enjoys them as they were made with pure unconditional love. Today will be a better day right? Right! Hanging in here til I can function on my own again. I will also try to be a better blogger. Peace love and happiness to all of you and your blessings.